By Jennifer Brown
Writers write. Am I a writer? Well, not today. And not yesterday either. Did I burn out from the whole MFA application thing? Am I blocked? Am I just lazy and waiting for school deadlines to kick my ass into gear?
You see, I’ve done very little work since I wrote the stories I submitted with my MFA applications. I haven’t written what I would consider a full story at all since the apps. I’ve completely re-written one of my application pieces in accordance with a workshop at the Iowa Summer Writing Festival and started submitting it. And I’ve written two pieces of flash. One of them is being published online with Clockwork Cat in the winter edition so I consider that a successful piece of work. But I had great hopes for myself this summer that weren’t to be. I quit my 50-hour a week stress-filled job a while ago, hoping to really get some writing done before school starts --- “really get some writing done” as in really write some new stories. But aside from the two pieces of flash, it hasn’t happened. A busy schedule didn’t exist to get in the way. . . so why? Why aren’t I producing?
I think the truth of the matter is that this whole MFA thing has me scared. What if what I write isn’t good enough? What if the students in my program or god forbid the professors look down on my work as “horror” (people sometimes describe it that way). What if people think it is too flowery? What if I got into school because my application stories were great but now I can’t do it again? What if everything that I write from here on out just all-around sucks? What if I write something and it isn’t perfect?
Ahhh, wait! There it is! What if it isn’t perfect. There is the problem. And I’m blogging about it here because I have a feeling that the I’m-Afraid-It-Won’t-Be-Perfect monster will plague more than a few of us as we begin to write work to share in our respective programs. Sometimes I’m able to tell myself “0f course it won’t be perfect” and calm down and write, and sometimes I’m not able to do that. This subject is on my mind in part because of a wonderful quote fellow MFA Chronicles contributor Jonterri has on her Facebook page. I think there is an antidote to the I’m-Afraid-It-Won’t-Be-Perfect monster in there, so I’ll just quote it:
There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique.
And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable it is nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open.
You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you.
Keep the channel open. No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive.
~Martha Graham to Agnes de Mille
Beautiful wisdom. I think I’m unblocked and ready to enter my program with courage. Thanks to that quote tomorrow morning I’ll be able to answer the question “Are you a writer today?” with a big yes. I think I have a story in me that wants to get out --- even though it probably won’t come out perfect!
